A few days ago, cruising home from work, bothering no one, I felt a little bit of air pressure build up. Not in my tires. In me. Now, as we all know, some people fart. I realise this is not something any woman ever do. Some men don't either, but as I have it, a small percentage of people actually fart on the odd occasion. I also realised at the time, that now was that odd occasion, for me.
Farting while on the bike can be a real rewarding experience. It is true that you have to lift you arse a tad to make room and off course, if it is not just a fart, it could be a huge problem, with all the protective gear and all. Thing about farting on the bike is that you can really, but I mean REALLY let rip! No one to hear, no one to smell, including you. Just the wonderful satisfaction of dropping the unpaying passenger of foul air in the middle of nowhere.
So, I lifted my arse a bit and let rip. It was a tad disapointing. This one wasn't going to rattle any windows. THEN!!! Holy mother of all sewerage farm workers! It stank to high heaven. I mean, this fart was following me at 120km/h. How was that possible? I thought of a bit of safety advice and decided that 20km/h over the limit would be prudent. That fart stank even more and kept pace. Impossible, but true, I tell you.
Then, to crown it all, two cars coming from the front frantically flashed their head lights at me, waving frantically, to indicate that they were taking sensory olfactory strain inside their cages. As I waved apologetically to them, I became scared of myself and I started seriously worrying about the insides of my, not yet paid for, X-Kulcha Enduro Pants. This was my fart and at these proportions it was certainly something that may require a visit to a really good medical specialist.
Then as the smell got even worse. So bad I even gagged. Man, I tell you, it was BAAAAAD! I rounded a bend and there was a truck. One of those that transport human waste from the sewerage works near Kaalfontein to the great maize farms of Delmas to make our mealies grow fast and bigger and give us our pap quicker. It had overturned and dumped it's 20 odd tons of reworked human waste from the sewerage farm right next to the road.
The smell was unbearable and I sped up to 20km/h over the speed limit (of a german autobahn) to get away soonest, the moment I was upwind, life returned to normal. I tell you, I was extremely relieved to find that I did not die two weeks previously and forgot to fall over